How To Make Sex and Intimacy Happen After Kids
Kids are such a wonderful blessing, but they can sometimes take a pretty big toll on your sex life.
With all the tantrums you have to deal with and the long hours you need to spend preparing their food, bathing them, playing with them, and reading them bedtime stories, it’s impossible to steal some alone time with your spouse or even have the energy to get in the mood.
“It’s natural for a couple’s sex life to decline after having a baby because of the exhaustion and lack of private time,” says Chris Kraft, Ph.D., Director of Clinical Services at the Sex and Gender Clinic in the Department of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. “But many couples’ sex lives don’t recover after they get out of the baby zone. Priorities shift to raising kids and juggling careers and household responsibilities.”
So, how can busy parents make time for intimacy?
The only way to have more mommy-and-daddy moments and keep your sex lives rocking even when your little bundle of joy is around is to get creative. We hate to admit it, but your sex life will never be the same as it was before you had kids, so be less picky and think of creative ways to turn up the heat in the bedroom.
Tip #1: Use different times of the day.
When you have young children, having sex at night before going to bed is a challenge. Unless you’re okay with your kids walking in on you and catching you in the act (which we know you’re not). Get intimate at other times of the day. Morning and afternoon nap times are the perfect opportunities because the kids are sound asleep.
If they’re busy playing or watching television, that’s also a great chance to sneak to the bedroom. Just remember to keep your door closed. Your lock is there for a reason.
Tip #2: Find a new spot for lovemaking.
Got a laundry room? A garage? Or any room at your home that your preschoolers cannot access? Go lock yourselves in there and do the deed. Quickies can be your best friend! You can also jump in the shower together to share some steamy moments. There is no need for sex if you're not ready, but just being naked together is enough to keep the spark alive.
Tip #3: Switch to oral sex.
Looking after the kids is exhausting. If you have already found the right place and time for full-blown sex but don't have the energy to do it, you can always switch to oral sex. It's still a fantastic way to delight your partner and have a healthy sex life despite your tight schedules as parents.
Still don't have the energy for oral sex? Kissing, cuddling, masturbating together, and other kinds of physical intimacy are also a great start for pleasure. In times like these, it's best to be open to different sexual acts.
Tip #4: Reinvent foreplay.
Since you have children to keep up with, perhaps it's time to do your foreplays a little differently. Besides, foreplays don't always have to include touching. Sending naughty text messages to each other, leaving sexy notes on the bathroom mirror, or reading erotica together will still help you feel closer to your spouse. The best part? You can do these even when the kids are hanging around.
If these tips aren’t enough, here are more ways to make time for intimacy when you have little whirlwinds at home:
- Hire a babysitter or ask grandma or someone you trust to help you look after your kids.
- Book a staycation or a quick overnight away from home so you can have some private time together.
- Play naughty couple games to keep your sex life alive and kicking.
- Move your kid into a different room, or move yourselves into another room.
- Schedule sex and regular date nights to stay connected with each other.
- Distract your kids with movies and snacks, and take advantage of that tiny amount of alone time to satisfy your pleasures.
- Flirt with your partner, even if you're with the kids.
Maintaining intimacy after having children is difficult, but there's hope.
Always communicate with your spouse and talk about how you can squeeze lovemaking into your tight schedules. Ask each other if you need help around the house or want extra rest so both of you can have enough energy to get intimate. Never let parenthood ruin your sex life.
As psychiatrist Gail Saltz from Weill Cornell Medical Center said:
“Both parties need to acknowledge that having children does mean sacrificing personal time…it is important for the marriage that you spend private time together. Make time for dates. Make time to talk about how your life is changing.”
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