Risk and Stability: Maintaining Sexual Desire in Long-Term Relationships
Do you have the privledge of knowing and loving your partner for a long time? Are there times when you wouldn't describe it as a privilege?
There's comfort in knowing and growing with someone, especially the person you are intimate with. There comes a point in which there isn't much to fear -- a point in which you are able to bare it all.
If you and your partner have been struggling to maintain desire, a large contributor to this feeling of tedium is this sense of comfort and stability the two of you have built.
And is this a bad thing? Absolutely not. Humans need stability. They need security and reliability.
At the same time, humans need risk and variety. This keeps us feeling alive.
In this blog post, we'll discuss the balance of these two polarizing needs -- and how they can exist simultaneously.
Waxing & Waning
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
Life is hardly a steady, consistent thing. We can't expect spontaneity and excitement at all times -- especially with the birth of a child, maintaining those you already have, new jobs and layoffs.
Life is consistently inconsistent. It's important to remember that our lives don't often allow for sex to be the only thing on our minds.
The things that are important for us, though, we must make time for.
If you have planned time for hobbies, date nights, etc. -- you can plan sex too.
More than anything, be patient with one another and the life the two of you exist within.
Turning the Tide
I overheard a guy saying to his girlfriend "are you ready to fucking rage" as they walked into target together and that's what I want— the wicked witch of the east bro (@kpfeffss) June 25, 2017
Add something new to your preexisting equation.
Do you always have sex at night? Always with the lights off and always in your go-to positions?
As previously mentioned, comfort and risk are polar opposites. They can coexist, but bringing them both into the bedroom at the same time often doesn't fare well.
Its time to dip into your fantasies, try new positions and locations, new lingerie or role play. If things have been the same as they have for awhile, its time to shake that up.
As always, communicate with one another. You've already built comfort and stability, the perfect environment to try something new and a little risky.
Allowing Risk & Stability to Coexist
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it's about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 11, 2015
Risk and stability may not seem as they can so easily coexist.
But they can, if you allow both their own time to come forward in the relationship.
Keep Risk to the Bedroom
In a long-term relationship, its likely you live together -- or at the very least see a lot of each other. While we may romanticize the idea of two becoming one, it's important that you still feel a sense autonomy.
Make solo plans or plans with friends -- do whatever you need to feel like your own person -- because you are. Its never bad to create a little distance to help desires grow.
Is there something you know your partner likes but you don't often partake in? Perhaps you know they like morning sex, to be spanked, or whatever it is.
Research shows that when we work to please our partner, sexual satisfaction and desire seems to easily flow.
Across several studies, couples who maintain high levels of sexual desire make the effort to try something new and different to keep things interesting and fresh in the bedroom.
No need to go out and adopt a whole new persona overnight. Even little changes go a long way.
& Comfort in Your Daily Lives
There are some parts of our lives in which we do not want danger or risk. There are some times when security is necessary. Who wouldn't want reliable food, shelter and clothing day in and day out?
In this same way, our partners act as a foundation for us. A place of solace and comfort. So spend your routine Sunday morning on the couch together, and get pizza on Wednesdays if that's your routine.
Risk can be sprinkled in to keep desire alive. But don't underestimate the importance of security and the ways in which your partner brings that to the table.